positivenegative

lost and safe

A Prayer of Hope and Change.

abandon \ə-ˈban-dən\  transitive verb

1a: to give up with the intent of never again claiming a right or interest in
b: to leave without intending to return

2a: to cease from maintaining, practicing, or using
b: to cease intending or attempting to perform

3: to withdraw from often in the face of danger or encroachment

When I first made manifest to the Universe my desire to change myself, and by extension my life, there was no way I could have suspected that the change I desired would come to me in such a profound and deeply soul changing manner.  The events that have unfolded during the past six months – from being diagnosed with cancer (Hodgkin Lymphoma), to treatment and recovery – have taught me a great deal about myself, my strengths and my weaknesses.  Perhaps even more importantly, I have learned even more about those who surround me – both near and far.  My father, my mother, my sister, my girlfriend, friends, coworkers and casual acquaintances – all have become more real, more “fleshed out” characters in this interesting play that I call my life.  I have seen more of their strengths, more of their weaknesses.  I have seen more of them as humans and as actors.  I can honestly say that I have a wider and deeper appreciation of what my actions and words mean to others, and what the actions and words of others mean to me.

And with that, Act III of “The Life of Sam” is drawing to a close, and Act IV begins.  It is time for a change in scenery and set, but perhaps one not as drastic as originally planned.  I had originally planned to finish persuing my bachelor’s degree at Armstrong University in Savannah, but have decided against it.  Well, perhaps I haven’t decided against it, per se, as much as I have recognized my lack of preparedness for the situation.  The fact of the matter is, the move to Savannah requires considerably more preparation and resources than I have available to expend.  More than anything, my main concern is – and will continue to be – my spiritual and physical health and growth.  I cannot afford to go into spiritual “debt” and neglect myself.  I cannot afford to make the same mistake(s) I made the first time I left Suwanee.  I cannot and will not act with the same reckless abandon that characterized the past four years of my life.

abandon \ə-ˈban-dən\  noun

a thorough yielding to natural impulses

So then, what will I do?

I will act deliberately and with purpose.  I see my move back to Atlanta as a step in progression, not regression, as I had originally feared.  As I continue to breakdown and get rid of old, hurtful habits, and form new, helpful ones I will continue to grow and add value to my surrounding community.  And ultimately, when all is said and done, that is my main goal.  Yes, personal spiritual growth is important to me, but making the world I share with others a better place to live is doubly so.  One does not follow the other.  Instead, they feed upon and support each other.

When I got sick, I was just beginning to utilize the multitude of opportunities that were opening themselves up to me.  Some were opportunities for financial gain; others for personal growth.  Others still were chances to improve my community.  All of those were left hanging when I got sick, and I’d like to take this one chance to finish something.  Life doesn’t offer many chances to pick up the pieces and try again, so we have to take it when we’re given it.

When it comes right down to it, I’m glad to have had the experiences of the past six months, no matter how difficult and trying they may have been (and let there be no doubt about it, it has been difficult).  The fear of regression will not stop me from making the most of this newest chance to do the right thing.  Fear in general is a battle that I face daily, one that I intend to fight tooth and nail (though there’s something to be said about the sort of fear that preserves one’s life).  I guess all I can really say is don’t let fear rule you, because it is the tool by which others will gain control over your mind, body, and soul.  More than at any point in our young lives, we need to be strong.  We need to work together to preserve our freedom to will, to move.  We need to work together to uplift ourselves and our communities.

I can only hope that I’m as helpful to you all as you have been to me.  I’ll see you soon!

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