positivenegative

lost and safe

The fare to get there…

I have so many questions.  So many.

Why do I value my life so little?

How do I get where I want to go?

Where do I want to go?

What will it take for me to wake up?  What will it cost me?  What will it cost those who are close to me: my family, my friends, those who trust me?

These words do not arise from self-pity or self-loathing.  These are honest questions; inquiries that I feel so unable to answer.  I live in a make believe world, a fantasy-land where what I do affects only myself, and everyone else in it, those even tangentially crossing my path, play bit parts and supporting roles.  I’ve made myself the star of my own one man tragedy.

The mirror is breaking.  I can’t play this game with myself anymore.  To say I am merely undergoing an existential crisis would be doing a great disservice to those I’ve wronged.  I’ve lied to so many people.  I’ve deceived and taken advantage of so many individuals who have trusted me, put faith in me, given me chance after chance after chance.  I’m spent, and so are they.  The crack has grown into a chasm.  Even now I feel like I’m thinking and speaking in circles.  I want so badly for it to end.  But can I do it?  Do I even have the courage to end my own life?

It’s snowing again.  I feel so sad, yet so hopeful, inspired, resolved.  Sadness creeps because I’ve hurt so many that I love; hope because I know where I’ve gone wrong; inspired to do be the person that I so badly desire to be, that I know I can be; and resolved to learn from these feelings of guilt, to have the strength to keep doing the difficult (right) things, even when I’m tired – especially when I’m tired.

So now what?  How do I get from here, to there?

I’ll start with one very important question:

Where am I now?

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Filed under: Missives

2 Responses

  1. ian says:

    Sam,

    I am sorry to hear you’re going through such a rough time. I’ve always liked your posts here and the enthusiasm you show for your other projects as well.

    I will say that it’s one thing to hurt people who love us, and its quite another thing to be aware that we’ve done so. Take heart in the fact that you’ve noticed it, that you’re aware of this. And start making amends, if you can.

    You say you’ve lived in a fantasy world where only you exist, a one man tragedy. Be that as it may, there’s no reason to stay there. If we can’t make our lives out to match the way we want them to be, we can at least help others to do something like that for themselves.

    It’s only a metaphor, but I like the way the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics applies here: all closed systems tend toward entropy. My advice, for what its worth, is take small steps, open up the system and do things for those you feel you’ve hurt, or maybe for strangers, or both.

    Break the circles of thought and action, make changes in the “why’s” and “ways” of what you’re doing. Plans don’t always (if ever) come out the way we think they will. Do something different, something that seems right (which, as you so rightly point out, may also also prove to be difficult) and do it simply for the sake of doing-something-that-feels-right, not because it will make you into this kind of person or that kind of person.

    As long as you’re trying to become a certain person, you’re identifying yourself as someone who’s NOT that person, and that kind of subconscious labeling has a tendency to stick in places where we never think to look. Oddly enough, it’s been proven to me on several occasions that letting go of our dreamselves in this way doesn’t necessarily mean we’re losing them. Sometimes, it’s what’s needed to stop us from stunting their growth with our own preconceived definitions.

    If you feel you’ve betrayed people, then make steps to create more security in your life, for yourself and for others. Cultivate reliability, not because of what it can get you, but for its own sake. Things flower this way, as the grass grows from the soil, as seeds sprout. It comes from the sun and the rain and the earth and everything that surrounds and supports the seed, not because the grass wants to reach a certain height or shape.

    I am sorry to hear about what you’re going through. And I’m also sorry if my rant here has gone on a bit longer than even I expected, since yeah, we don’t really know each other more than a few blog exchanges can allow. If you feel I am being presumptuous, please forgive me. In fact, please delete this comment if you wish, I wouldn’t be offended. But I want to offer what support I can, because I’ve been there, lost friends and lovers because of what I thought I needed. And although things are shitty now, they don’t stay shitty. Things always change, if we can figure out the ways we’re stopping them from doing so.

    All the best, and stay strong,
    Ian

    • Sam says:

      Ian: Thank you.

      Really. Thank you. No matter how brief our interchanges may have been in the past, I always find myself happy to read whatever it is you have to say.

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