lost and safe


“Time to shed the old and put on the new.”

I feel this incredible impulse to rid myself of all this old, heavy armor.  Shit that I’ve been acquiring my entire life, that I’ve been carrying because the possibility of taking it off didn’t seem real to me.  Well, to be more accurate, I never let myself see it as my reality.  I never chose to take the armor off.  Until now.

My body aches and hurts again.  I don’t eat as well as I did a year ago, and I’ve begun smoking tobacco more regularly.  The past twelve months have come and gone; it keeps happening faster and faster.  I keep making it go faster and faster.  Wasting days doing nothing or sleeping.  What am I rushing to?  The 12 months of 2009 felt more like 24.  The days were long and full, even in the dark of winter.  I need to slow time down again.  No longer do I observe myself and the environment.  I am not aware of anything.  I move without thinking, speak without knowing.

The reality of the contradiction of self perception hit hard this year.  Oh how I deceived myself.  I thought I knew.  Everything.  My inexperience, my arrogance, my ignorance – laid bare for all to see.  It hurt.  A lot.  Anxiety, fear, hatred – resurfaced and made manifest in my every move.  To take off this old armor, to loosen the tension in my bones and my soul, I need to seek and understand its root.

How do I proceed?  I need some goals, something more than amorphous ideas to work towards.  I’m anxious about everything and it’s because I’m adrift.  I have no course.  No better time than now to chart a destination, and lay the ground work for a successful journey.  The air is rife with change and new beginnings.

I feel restless and inspired and anxious.  Like I have to go somewhere, move in some way, do something – but I don’t know what.  Orientation is impossible, mainly because I have nothing to align myself to.  You can’t align to yourself; you’ll just end up spinning in circles your entire life.  That’s what happened to me.  I keep looking inward – looking to myself – to stay alive, stay inspired, become whole.  So often, I forget to look to the outside, to look to the love and guidance and support of the outer world.  Family, friends, colleagues – they all depend on me, look to me.  I musn’t forget the value of the world.

It’s easy to forget there’s much more to life than you.  Especially when it’s all so much larger.  I mean, it’s huge, really.  So big that it’s easy to not it all.  In fact, you’ll never see it all, that’s how huge it is.  What is it?  Well, it is Everything.  And I don’t mean everything – as in everything on planet Earth.  I mean Everything, both within and without our known realm.

Time to relax, let go of fear anxiety stress and worry.  Time to move on.

Filed under: Missives

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